So frustrated - Feb. 8

I just don't have that 'thing'.  That thing that lets you look at the world from a different angle and see things in a new and magical way.  Things ARE the way they ARE and dammit I'm FRUSTRATED.  Yes, Kevin, I know you are tired of hearing me use that word.  Sigh.  I see photos where some small thing is in focus, with kids or family in the blurred background and then that small item takes on huge significance and you go AHA!  What an amazing shot with such perfect composition.  Or the way some people can take a photo of a branch and the light is hitting just right on the dew drops, with all the glittering blurring bits of bokeh in the background making it look like a fantastical backdrop.  ARRGGGHHH.  My branch looks like a BRANCH and my small gadgets look like oddly misplaced bits of clutter (well, because they are) and I don't know how to find that mystical peephole that allows magic to take place in the camera lens.

My world is logical.  2 +2 = 4, even if you go around the long way and say 2 + 2 =  5 - 1 + 3 - 4 + 6 - 5....It's all just 4, no matter how you look at it and if you ask me, I'll say 4.  I suck at lying (not saying I haven't tried!) because when I hear a question, I see the answer (yes, even the '4' I see a 4 in my head, only it's not the pointed kind like I have typed here) and that's what pops out of my mouth.  My brain doesn't seem to know how to search around for creative possibilities, it's more like a calculator and it's so IRRITATING.  There are times when a nicer, more diplomatic way of saying things would certainly be a benefit and I struggle so hard, and I'm the queen of awkward silences.  I'm not good with 'buttering you up' or chit chatting with small talke or saying how wonderful something is when I think it's just average.  My mom once told me when I was little that if I actually said "Yes, I like it" then that meant I must really love it.

It's hard because other people so expect you to gush and go gaga over things, but when I try it feels so FAKE.  I gave you the answer, what is the logic in restating it?  I suppose that's how it works with me.  I don't know.  But I want to find that other THING, that part that lets me express the beauty I see and feel.  And I'll keep working on it.

Btw, here's my photo of the day.  I love rose buds.  They seem to hold such a fragile yet infinite potential, and you know they aren't quite as delicate as they look.  Just bits of perfection, waiting to unfold.