The past several weeks have been harsh in regards to this whole nerve crappola and sitting at the computer makes it worse. Holding the camera makes it worse. Trying to sit at the computer and upload photos, resize, attempt poorly to edit them, etc. And it makes me so ANGRY that this THING I have no name for, no expectations for, is taking over every damn thing that I want to do. Even cooking is rough...chopping veggies, whisking/stirring, lifting pans and skillets. Le sigh. I really just want to cry because as frustrating and annoying as it is for me, it's affecting my family and that #$!^!&@ pisses me off. Sorry kids, mommy's too tired and cranky to be much good today. No, Owen, you can't lay on mommy's arm right now... No, Zach, I can NOT play cards with you, I can't sit at the table like that or shuffle and my neck hurts too much to hold my head up and blah blah blah. It's not just the pain, either, the pain is just pain, certainly not the worst I've ever felt. But non-stop unreachable nerve pains and sensations like being strangled are exhausting, Not to mention the days I wake up feeling like the very air around me is a thick fog and I have to fight my way through it just to stand up and walk. All. day. long. So sometimes I'm not very pleasant to be around.
Today isn't as bad, so I'm trying AGAIN. I truly believe physical activity helps but finding that magic window where I won't exacerbate whatever's happening and actually HELP instead is tricky. I am terrified of overdoing it physically b/c that seems to bring on big 'flares' of whatever this is, and 'cutting back' is really hard for me because I'm used to pushing myself whenever I DO get active, I guess to make up for the previous lazy days. I was in great shape several years ago, I'd go to the gym and crank out a couple of hours of cardio and weights and boom, looking good, feeling awesome. If I missed a few days, I'd return knowing it would hurt, I'd pay for it, but I'd bounce back in no time flat. Now if I try to pull that crap I'm down for the count and I hate hate HATE it. I miss the old me, the fun me, the energetic me. But there's no denying any longer that I can't do it, simply can NOT try to pull a stunt like that...unless maybe I spend a year building up to it.
I haven't been on my bike in forever (yeah, last stunt was biking 20 miles 2 days in a row, put me out of commission for a couple of weeks it seems) and today I was eyeing my bike, and eyeing the breeze outside...awesome day for a ride except that I know the ride back would probably be too much as I'm totally out of shape/endurance again and riding against the wind is more than I'm up for right now -- it strains my neck even though it's a hybrid bike, gotta get the neck happy again first. I'd been doing so well but I know a few weeks off means basically starting at step 1 all over again. So instead I dusted off the Hate Machine and did 30 min of elliptical striding. I feel like such a wuss, but I did it instead of sitting on the couch and crying into my coffee. And since I didn't kill myself on the bike, I should have enough energy left over to do some laundry and hey, maybe even cook dinner! And above all try like hell to keep a smile on my face for the rest of the day. Because my boys are worth it...all three of them.
Anyway, here are a few photos I've taken recently, paying the price to get them here. Be glad you weren't around for the fallout ;) Kev's probably ready to hit me over the head and knock me out for a few days, hoping I'll wake up all better ♥
We had a nice time getting out of the house a few evenings ago to have dinner with some friends...I hope she doesn't mind my posting the photo below ...I purposely took my most lightweight lens which isn't the sharpest one I have, but I just couldn't stand the thought of holding the heavy camera, so it's not the greatest shot. But I love the feel of it. And the boys of course doing the obligatory jumps off the small boat at Squid Lips :)
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